Q & A: Premarital Sex

By pastorbillwalden

Each Sunday at Cornerstone, towards the end of our time together, I do my best to answer questions texted in during the sermon time.  Sometimes the questions come in too late, or at other times, I request more time to research and think through a good answer for those asking.  This week, the following question was submitted:

Where and what does the Bible say about pre-marital sex?

The words “pre-marital sex” aren’t found as such in the Bible, but the phrase falls under the category of fornication, which the Bible clearly speaks about.

Ephesians 5:3 “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints…”

www.dictionary.com tells us that fornication is “voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.”  Using that definition, premarital sex falls under that description.

www.blueletterbible.org tells us more about the word fornication, which is the Greek word porneia

1. illicit sexual intercourse
2. adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality, etc.
3. sexual intercourse with close relatives; Lev. 18
4. sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman; Mk. 10:11,12 (Unless the divorce was allowed Biblically- my words)

The result that we see is that fornication is the broader word regarding sexual practices that fall outside of God’s design for sex, which is marriage between one man and one woman.  Fornication is prohibited, and includes many things, including pre-marital sex.

The questions some people bring up are:
“If it feels so good, what harm could it do?”
“We aren’t hurting anyone, so what does it matter?”

These are fair questions, in my opinion.  My answers are as follows:

1.  If you are a Christian, then you need to decide if God is smarter than you, or if you are smarter than God.  God cares about us, and is infinitely wiser than we are.  God knows what sex outside of marriage does to a person’s soul, their mind, their emotions, and sometimes, their body.

When we presume to know that something won’t hurt us, we wrongly assume that we know every outcome of our choices, and completely know our own future, and how we will feel in one year, five years, or twenty years.  How can we possibly know that something God warns us against will not hurts us? A thousand million honest voices would testify that God is right about this.

Premarital sex will feel good momentarily, but God knows what it does to your heart and mind in the long run.  Many older Christians can testify about the struggles they now have from having been with so many partners sexually when they were younger.  There are mental comparisons between their spouse and previous partners.  There are memories that are hard to forget. Some Christians had previous relationships that were based primarily on sexual gratification, and they used their partner.  That kind of thinking and behavior hardens the heart, and a person becomes increasingly selfish.

2.  If you are a Christian, then you also need to decide what kind of Christian you want to be.  Jesus said that if you really want to follow Him, then you will deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow Him.  (Matthew 16:24) Intentionally violating the command re. pre-marital sex is a choice that someone makes.  Every Christian needs to decide if they really want to follow Jesus or not.  If you would prefer to live for yourself, and you do it consistently and regularly, then you are not meeting the terms of faith that Jesus set before us.  Do you want deny yourself momentary pleasure and live for Jesus, or do you want to ignore Jesus for immediate and personal gratification?

3. Sexual gratification was designed by God to be pleasurable and a blessing, but the greatest blessing is within the confines of marriage, and that arrangement brings no negative consequences.  When two people come together sexually, the Bible says that they become “one flesh”.  There is a unique and God designed oneness that happens when people have sex together.  Consider what Jesus said:

Matthew 19:4-6 ⁴ And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’⁵ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?  ⁶ So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

When two people engage in sexual relations, they become one.  God knows that something deep and almost undefinable happens in the soul, body, and mind.  Sexual union is not simply about a moment of gratification, but about oneness.  When two people come together simply to be gratified, there is no thought of oneness, but God’s truth still stands.  A “oneness” has taken place, but they will eventually toss that oneness aside, unless they are committed to one another in marriage.  Any time oneness is set aside, there is loss, there is division, there is a lessening of one’s self.  A moment of pleasure is gained, but personal loss follows on many levels.

4.  After 20 years of pastoring, and at age 54, I can tell you from seeing it, hearing about it, and experiencing it, God’s design for sexuality is rewarding in heart, soul, mind, and body.  Anything and everything else leaves one ripped off, hurting, hardened, doubtful, protective, hating, or simply selfish.

5.  When a person first violates God’s laws, they feel guilt.  If they deny that feeling of conviction, and keep doing it long enough, they feel nothing.  They become hardened and calloused.  That hardness and callousness is taken into every relationship.  It is destructive.

6.  There is great freedom between a husband and wife who are committed to one another.  There is no guilt in the sexual relationship.  There is no fear of being caught doing something wrong.  There is (ought to be) a freedom with one another.  A freedom that is full of mutual respect and agape love.

7.  If you are one who has been sexually active outside of marriage, you may have begun to experience these consequences.  I encourage you to live God’s way re. sex, and wait for the blessing of a life long mate, and don’t take the short cuts that the world constantly puts before us.

8.  If you have been hurt because of sexual sin, either your sin, or the sin of someone against you, there is healing in Jesus.  God’s design for sex is still a good design.  Many Christians have experienced the world’s twisted version of sex, and have suffered, but turned to God, and been healed emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and have gone on to enjoy sex the way that God intended it.  There is always hope in Jesus.